Early Signs of an Abusive Person

 

A friend of mine recently posted an article on her Facebook page titled "Top 10 Signs of an Abusive Man".  I commend her for spreading the information as all too many people are abused and the initial signs can be quite subtle and the abuse often will escalate over weeks, months and even years.  Abusers are very rarely abusive at the beginning of a relationship.  But one thing they all have in common is that they are not able to keep their abusive behaviour in check for too long.

One thing that is all too often over looked, however is that it is not only men that are abusers and it is not only women that are abused.  Not only that, but it is also not only people who are in intimate relationships who are subjected to abuse.

There are many different types of abuse and many shades of each one.  I will do my best to define as many of the types as I am able and to provide examples as thoroughly as possible so that it can be best understood how mistreatment of another person is not only due to being bruised or having broken bones.  I will also show you how to recognize when you are being mistreated.  

The types of abuse I will be talking about in this article are verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, economic abuse, stalking, digital abuse, isolation and psychological abuse.

Who are Abusive People

First, let's get a little bit of background on what type of person is an abusive person.  When the average person thinks of an abusive person, they automatically think of a man.  They also automatically see a man who is likely over 30, blue collar, under-educated, probably overweight, lower socioeconomic status, and possibly a drug user or an alcoholic.  Unfortunately, these are all stereotypes.  

Abusers come from all walks of life and can be anyone from your doctor to your child's elementary teacher or the actor in your favourite television show to the barista down the street.  They can be men, women, young, old, well educated, a drop-out, physically fit or not.  They can have any job imaginable or be unemployed and they can have drug and/or alcohol problems or they may have never touched either one.

Someone who is abusive to others is often someone who has been abused themselves and typically that abuse began in their early childhood years.  They typically abuse because they have a desire for control.  They need help and so do those they abuse.  

Types of Abuse and How to Recognize Them Early

This is where I will get more descriptive so you not only learn how to recognize some warning signs but also how to know when to possibly step in to help someone you know who may be in an abusive relationship.  

1. Verbal Abuse—They call you names, humiliate you and ridicule you. Initially in private and eventually in front of others.  They may verbally threaten you, attempt to frighten you, say things they know will hurt you.  They may even say things to others behind your back in an attempt to destroy your friendships or relationships with family as a route to isolate you.

1. Jealousy and Possessiveness—Becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views a partner and/or children as property instead of as unique individuals. Accuses you of cheating or flirting with others without cause. Always asks where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner. They may follow you or track you using your phone, smart watch, a tracking device on your car, etc.

2. Control—They are overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention. They controls finances, the car, how you dress, who you spend time with, how your home is decorated, what foods you eat and the activities you partake in. Becomes angry if you begin showing signs of independence or strength.

3. Superiority—They are always right, have to win or be in charge. They always justify actions so they can be “right” by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive person will talk down to you or call you names in order to make themselves feel better. The goal of an abusive person is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.

4. Manipulates—Tells you you’re crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it’s your fault they are abusive. Says they can’t help being abusive so you feel sorry for them and you keep trying to “help” them. Tells others you are unstable.

5. Mood Swings—Their mood switches from aggressive and abusive, to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.

6. Actions don’t match words—They break promises, say they love you, and then abuse you.

7. Punishes you—An emotionally abusive person may withhold sex, emotional intimacy, or plays the “silent game” as punishment when they don't get their way. They verbally abuse you by frequently criticizing you.

8. Unwilling to seek help—An abusive person doesn’t think there is anything wrong with them so why should they seek help? Does not acknowledge their faults or blames it on their childhood or outside circumstances.

9. Disrespects others—Shows no respect towards parents, siblings, or any people (especially of whichever gender they are attracted to) in their life. Thinks others are stupid and worthless.

10. Has a history of abusing others and/or animals or was abused themselves—Batterers repeat their patterns and seek out others who are submissive and can be controlled. Abusive behavior can be a generational dysfunction and abused people have a great chance of becoming abusers. Those who abuse animals are much more likely to abuse partners also.

If you continue to stay in an abusive relationship because you think they will change and start treating you well, think again. An abusive person does not change without long-term therapy and a genuine desire to change. Most abusers will never have a genuine desire to change because they do not think there is anything wrong with them. Therefore they will never seek out counseling and if they do agree to go to counseling, they will manipulate the counselors and present themselves as the perfect partner who is being abused by you.  Please be aware of this potential outcome.
Group counseling sessions are particularly helpful in helping abusive people recognize their abusive patterns. Type A personality types seem to be more prone to abusive behavior due to their aggressive nature. Drugs and alcohol can create or further escalate an abusive relationship. Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous are excellent programs for an addict. The abuser’s partner should also seek help for their codependent behavior at Codependents Anonymous.

If the abusive person is not willing to seek help, then you must take action by protecting yourself and any children involved by leaving. By staying in an abusive relationship, you are condoning it. If you are scared you won’t be able to survive because of finances, pick up the phone book and start calling shelters or other agencies in your area. Try calling family, friends, and associates and ask them if they can help or know of ways to help. Once you leave, the abuser may cry and beg for forgiveness but don’t go back until you have spoken to their counselor and they have completed long-term therapy successfully. Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave because the abuser has lost control. The Bureau of Justice Statistics states that on the average, more than three [specifically] women are murdered by their partners every day.  If you partner is not willing to seek help for their abusive behavior, your only option is to leave.

Statistics—Approximately one-third of women and one-fifth of men will be victims of abuse.

Same-sex partner abuse is common and may be difficult to identify. Over 35% of heterosexual women, 40% of lesbians, 60% of bisexual women experience domestic violence. For men, the incidence is slightly lower. In addition to common findings of abuse, perpetrators may try to control their partners by threatening to make their sexual preferences public.

Originally written By Stephany Alexander 

Edited by Jess for pronoun adjustment, updated facts and statistics, and added details from personal experience.

TBI Is Not The Same As TMI

So your first question is going to be "What the heck is TBI"?

I'll start by answering that with what the letters stand for: "Traumatic Brain Injury".

And by the time you finish reading this, I hope that you will understand what that means.  Specifically that it is not just someone getting hit in the head.  Is anything ever really that simple?

Let me interrupt myself here by letting you in on a little secret.  I started this post two years ago and then forgot that I was writing it.  That right there is one of the things that happen to me frequently and it is because of my TBI. 

Yes, many of you may say that you forget things all the time.  You walk into a room in your home forgetting why you went in there, you forget your cup of coffee on top of your car, you forget to grab your lunch when you head out the door, you forget where you put your keys.

What is different with me is that I forget all those things but I also forget what a cup is called...yes, I literally forget the word "cup" or any nouns.  Makes writing very difficult at times and also makes the thesaurus a necessity in my life!  I get what I call "noun negative" more when I am stressed or tired.  Don't get me wrong, I can have a conversation and avoid nouns most of the time.  When they do come up and I'm not stressed or tired, I'm usually okay(ish) with most nouns.  But when I'm noun negative, I have a very difficult time conversing if the topic happens to bring up nouns. 

What do I do when I am noun negative?  I use adjectives or other nouns to describe the word I am looking for.  For instance, if I've misplaced my "coffee cup", I might say "Have you seen my round thing that I put my hot drink in?"

Edit number three:
It is now November of 2022 and I'm adding to this post for the third time because, once again, I forgot I was writing it. Not only did I forget I was writing it; I completely forgot I had a blog.  A lot has happened since August of 2018 when I published the short blurb above and I never did get to finish my initial thoughts.  At this point I never will because I have no idea what my thoughts were four years ago.  

What I do know is that I have been exposed to many more people who also suffer from noun negative thinking and it has been an odd comfort while simultaneously causing me to be sad for others who experience this.  I also have discovered through talking to more people who have been through chemotherapy that noun negative is a side effect of chemotherapy and those people can relate to me as well.  And now that we are post the beginning of this new COVID era, I and thousands upon thousands of others can also relate as the "COVID brain fog" is extremely similar to both a TBI and "chemo brain".

I am not so alone in my experience anymore.  The odd comfort I mentioned above is still there.  So is the feeling of helpfulness as I'm able to give tips I've been doing for nearly eighteen years.

Side note, how has it been eighteen years already? 
Little things forgotten that become big things such as forgetting to apply deodorant have made me plan ahead.  I have deodorant at home, in my backpack and in my desk at work.  Same with toothbrushes, dental floss and snacks (because I also forget to eat).

It's highly likely that I have ADHD "inattentive type" and that my TBI made it a lot worse.  So I use a lot of tips and tricks that those with ADHD use as well.  I write notes, use a calendar, make lists, utilize my phone alarm habitually, and probably at least three other things I'm currently forgetting. I also end up admitting to people regularly and say "I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention.  Can you please repeat that?"

With my COVID brain fog, it felt like I was right after my TBI again.  I got lost on a single street forgetting which way to turn and didn't recognize landmarks.  I forgot to shower, to eat or drink during the day, to do basic things people simply do not forget to do. 

But here we are two plus years post my first (and worst) COVID infection as well as eighteen years post TBI.  Some things that affect the brain can't be brought back, but a remarkable number of things can with proper therapies.  Cognitive therapy is huge in brain recovery as well as personal therapy to help one cope with the struggles of having a dysfunctional brain.  One cannot simply try harder to do something they used to do before a brain injury.  A plan has to be set in place to help the brain retrain to use a different part of itself for a task it can no longer accomplish with that part of itself.  

I highly recommend cognitive therapy, neurological testing to coincide with cognitive therapy so the therapist knows what brain tasks you're struggling with, and EMDR if that is appropriate for your specific needs.  

And thus concludes my third update.  Perhaps I shall come back again to add more at a later time.

The Ugly Girl

    She shied away every time someone complimented her appearance.  She did not know they were being sincere.  Mocking is where she always assumed the comments were originating.  She swore she heard muted laughter when she turned away.  "You have the jawline and cheekbones of an exotic model!" is what was said.  However, what she heard was that she was different, strange and odd.  She did not want that captured in a photograph for everyone to critique.  She was critiqued enough at home and school by the adults in her life; and from her peers.

     Some of her friends would fade away from her life after such conversations took place.  She assumed it was because she was ugly and they had concluded that they did not want to be around her.  She dressed provocatively as a way to lash back but then she was singled out due to her tiny waist and overly slender frame.  She wanted to not care, but the words stabbed at her nonetheless.  She was certain the girls in the locker room would stare as she changed for gym class.  She would turn away in a corner doing her best to hide in a square room filled with other girls.

     She did not have the shapely legs, curved bodies and full breasts that the other girls had.  She was jealous of them and then felt guilty for committing the sin of jealousy.  When she glimpsed their bodies, she wanted to caress them and then felt guilty for committing the sin of sexual desire for another girl.  She was ashamed of her desires, ashamed of her body and ashamed of her lack of coordination, which exacerbated the appearance of her thin legs and arms.  

     She was ashamed of the signs of abuse on her wrists, arms, thighs, buttocks and back.  When they were accidentally exposed to someone, her shame would heighten and she would become reclusive, wear long sleeves in the warmer months, refuse invitations to the pool or lake in the summer and forge her mom's signature on notes so she would not have to change for gym class until the bruises and contusions faded.

     She dated boys often but was certain it was because the boys asked her out on dares and lost bets.  Why else would they want to be seen with the funny looking "exotic" skinny girl?  She had been told all her life at home that she was worthless, unattractive, stupid, filthy and a sinner and if she did not ask for forgiveness, she was going to burn in the fiery depths of Hell for all of eternity.  She knew no other way to perceive herself.  She allowed the boys to touch her even though she did not want to and more guilt would envelope her.  She asked for forgiveness three times a day silently before the consumption of every meal.  Three times a week she knelt on the pew at church and tears flowed freely as she begged for freedom from her sins.

     For years, she would wake up in the middle of the night to study and then she failed most tests anyway.  Her grades were plummeting and there was no one that cared.  In the middle of her senior year, she left school to move in with her boyfriend when she was beaten at home for becoming pregnant.

     Her life went from one version of barely worth living to another and her first brush with suicide occurred just over a year later.  She’d gone into a deep depression.  She was no good at being a parent to a child.  She loved the child, but thought he would be better off being raised in a world where she did not have an influence on his upbringing.  She felt like a failure every day.  She was not just ugly, she was wrong in every way possible.

I'm Okay

The writing is on the wall,
Beneath layers of yellow and white.

My heart is on my sleeve,
Bound in chains alone in the night.

I am fine, I say,
Until I close my eyes.

Monsters in the closet,
Memories be their prize.

When am I,

Past or present?

Future unknown,

I want to forget your scent.

I lie on the grass,

Gazing upon the stars.

Thoughts disturbed

By all of the scars.

Healing is a foreign word

Only known outside of nightmares.

Don't know happiness,

As nothing to compares.

One day I hope,

Don't know what to hope for.

Until then, 

Inside lives a war.