Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is coming up and it's always a hard time of year for me because everyone is scrambling to pick out cards, buy flowers, purchase gifts and find ways to thank their Mother's for the wonderful things they did and/or do.
Mother's Day Card by JessicaInSeattle

Many people are missing their Mother's because they are far away or are no longer here on this Earth with us.  So, it's a hard time of year for them as well.

However, it's a bit different for me.
I don't pick out cards, buy flowers, purchase gifts for find ways to say thanks.
I don't miss my Mother even though I wish I could.
Why not?

Because the only thing I'm thankful for from my own Mother is that what didn't kill me, made me stronger.

There were many times as a child that I wished I didn't have to be strong anymore.  There were times I wanted to leave but wouldn't because I felt I needed to be there for my sisters and I didn't know how to leave and make sure they would be safe.

My childhood wasn't a happy one.  My story isn't one most people would want to read or even know about.  Not even my own siblings know most of my story as I seemed to be our Mother's "favorite" and hiding what went on in our house was the norm.

Even my very best friend didn't know huge parts of my story until very recently.  Even my partner doesn't know most of my story.

Sometimes I feel like I want to write it all down.  Get it all out of my head and tell others what I've been through.  Other times, I feel like it's all in my past and I should just be glad I survived it.

I know I'm not alone.  I know there are others out there who have similar stories.  I want all of you to know that you aren't alone either.

I don't recall hearing "I love you" from my Mother's lips as a child.  My education was merely an inconvenience and kept me from doing things she wanted me to do (that I never did right).  I grew up thinking I was ugly, stupid, incompetent and useless.  And I paid greatly for being that way.

Whenever someone else would compliment me on something, I did not say thank you.  I turned away ashamed because I thought they were complimenting me out of pity and not for something I actually did right or well.

I still to this day have a hard time saying thank you.  I have a hard time believing that I'm worthy of a compliment.

But you see, I had children of my own.  I learned that what my Mother did was not right.  I learned that my heart spilled over with love for my children.  I learned that a Mother protects her children.

I'm far from a perfect Mother myself.  I've made my share of mistakes.  But I regret them.  I'm sorry.  I'm learning to forgive myself for the things I've done wrong and to move on to learn from it all.

So to my Mother, for Mother's Day this year:

Thank you for making me the strong person I am today.
Because without all the pain I endured
I would not be outspoken, I would not be this way.
By my own strength, I am assured.

You taught me to survive.
To pretend everything was alright.
That in any situation, I could thrive.
That "I love you" is not something to recite.

I learned that there are bad Mother's.
From your teachings, I rebelled.
I learned so much from watching others,
Like a Mother's arms are where children are held.

That comforting a child is not a sin.
That children are a gift to cherish.
They aren't supposed to take it on the chin.
They aren't supposed to wish to perish.

I love my children like you never will.
I protect them from you as a Mother should.
Compassion and caring in them I instill.
I may not be a perfect Mother, but unlike you, I am good.

Until Next Time,

No comments:

Post a Comment