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Monday, November 23, 2009

Loss

My consciousness is melting like hot wax into the melodic voices and speed of the Irish fiddling of the group Celtic Woman in an attempt at distancing myself from the reality of the loss of a loved one.

Someone I've known and become very fond of over the past decade has passed from this life into the beyond and when I first heard the news, my voice cried out in response before my hand flew up to cover my mouth and muffle my own sounds.

I stood and walked aimlessly once I had control of my voice as tears threatened. My self control betrayed me and the hot tears spilled over staining my cheeks and reddening my eyes.

I sat back down for less than a minute before standing again to put on my coat and walk outside. I very rarely smoke during the day, and usually only when I drink, but today, before it was even ten in the morning, I walked outside and down several blocks, smoking and crying wiping the hot liquid that so rarely appears on my face and periodically words would fly from my mouth in shocked spurts shit! fuck! damnit! fuck! god damnit! shit!

I think I was in a bit of denial. I think I still am. How can this be? How is she gone? It's just not right, not possible, not right, not possibly true! Just not right, damnit!

A little bit of anger seems to be appearing in the midst of my denial. I'm angry at an ephemeral being. I'm angry at Chaos. I'm angry at Gaia. I'm angry at Tartarus. I'm angry at Eros. I'm angry at Erebus. I'm angry at Nyx.

I'm angry at THANATOS, damnit! How dare he take her!

I haven't lost someone quite so close to me in such a long time, this has hit very hard. I can sense that, can see it, smell it and hear it, taste it and touch it.

It is a dark shadow passing over my minds eye.
It is the scent of long reeds dried in hot sun after the rains came down and fermented them.
It is the sound of a flock of ten thousand crows filling the sky with their mocking caws.
It is a metallic flavour poisoning my palate.
It is the feeling of a too cold breeze wisping the air and sending a chill down my spine.

Later....

It really is odd the things that pass through you as a mental stream in times like these.

Just now I gasped at the horror of knowing that my friend was in the middle of a book and now she will never know the end. I'm such an avid reader, I think I would fight Thanatos with every last nerve just so I could live long enough to know how an author wrapped up their book. She was an avid reader as well and introduced me to some of my favorite authors so many years ago.

And now I sit here wondering if it's possible she now knows the end ... because 'that is the way'. I hope, for her sake, that it is. Because I am certain she would want to know how it ends.




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