Early Signs of an Abusive Person

 

A friend of mine recently posted an article on her Facebook page titled "Top 10 Signs of an Abusive Man".  I commend her for spreading the information as all too many people are abused and the initial signs can be quite subtle and the abuse often will escalate over weeks, months and even years.  Abusers are very rarely abusive at the beginning of a relationship.  But one thing they all have in common is that they are not able to keep their abusive behaviour in check for too long.

One thing that is all too often over looked, however is that it is not only men that are abusers and it is not only women that are abused.  Not only that, but it is also not only people who are in intimate relationships who are subjected to abuse.

There are many different types of abuse and many shades of each one.  I will do my best to define as many of the types as I am able and to provide examples as thoroughly as possible so that it can be best understood how mistreatment of another person is not only due to being bruised or having broken bones.  I will also show you how to recognize when you are being mistreated.  

The types of abuse I will be talking about in this article are verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, economic abuse, stalking, digital abuse, isolation and psychological abuse.

Who are Abusive People

First, let's get a little bit of background on what type of person is an abusive person.  When the average person thinks of an abusive person, they automatically think of a man.  They also automatically see a man who is likely over 30, blue collar, under-educated, probably overweight, lower socioeconomic status, and possibly a drug user or an alcoholic.  Unfortunately, these are all stereotypes.  

Abusers come from all walks of life and can be anyone from your doctor to your child's elementary teacher or the actor in your favourite television show to the barista down the street.  They can be men, women, young, old, well educated, a drop-out, physically fit or not.  They can have any job imaginable or be unemployed and they can have drug and/or alcohol problems or they may have never touched either one.

Someone who is abusive to others is often someone who has been abused themselves and typically that abuse began in their early childhood years.  They typically abuse because they have a desire for control.  They need help and so do those they abuse.  

Types of Abuse and How to Recognize Them Early

This is where I will get more descriptive so you not only learn how to recognize some warning signs but also how to know when to possibly step in to help someone you know who may be in an abusive relationship.  

1. Verbal Abuse—They call you names, humiliate you and ridicule you. Initially in private and eventually in front of others.  They may verbally threaten you, attempt to frighten you, say things they know will hurt you.  They may even say things to others behind your back in an attempt to destroy your friendships or relationships with family as a route to isolate you.

1. Jealousy and Possessiveness—Becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views a partner and/or children as property instead of as unique individuals. Accuses you of cheating or flirting with others without cause. Always asks where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner. They may follow you or track you using your phone, smart watch, a tracking device on your car, etc.

2. Control—They are overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention. They controls finances, the car, how you dress, who you spend time with, how your home is decorated, what foods you eat and the activities you partake in. Becomes angry if you begin showing signs of independence or strength.

3. Superiority—They are always right, have to win or be in charge. They always justify actions so they can be “right” by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive person will talk down to you or call you names in order to make themselves feel better. The goal of an abusive person is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.

4. Manipulates—Tells you you’re crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it’s your fault they are abusive. Says they can’t help being abusive so you feel sorry for them and you keep trying to “help” them. Tells others you are unstable.

5. Mood Swings—Their mood switches from aggressive and abusive, to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.

6. Actions don’t match words—They break promises, say they love you, and then abuse you.

7. Punishes you—An emotionally abusive person may withhold sex, emotional intimacy, or plays the “silent game” as punishment when they don't get their way. They verbally abuse you by frequently criticizing you.

8. Unwilling to seek help—An abusive person doesn’t think there is anything wrong with them so why should they seek help? Does not acknowledge their faults or blames it on their childhood or outside circumstances.

9. Disrespects others—Shows no respect towards parents, siblings, or any people (especially of whichever gender they are attracted to) in their life. Thinks others are stupid and worthless.

10. Has a history of abusing others and/or animals or was abused themselves—Batterers repeat their patterns and seek out others who are submissive and can be controlled. Abusive behavior can be a generational dysfunction and abused people have a great chance of becoming abusers. Those who abuse animals are much more likely to abuse partners also.

If you continue to stay in an abusive relationship because you think they will change and start treating you well, think again. An abusive person does not change without long-term therapy and a genuine desire to change. Most abusers will never have a genuine desire to change because they do not think there is anything wrong with them. Therefore they will never seek out counseling and if they do agree to go to counseling, they will manipulate the counselors and present themselves as the perfect partner who is being abused by you.  Please be aware of this potential outcome.
Group counseling sessions are particularly helpful in helping abusive people recognize their abusive patterns. Type A personality types seem to be more prone to abusive behavior due to their aggressive nature. Drugs and alcohol can create or further escalate an abusive relationship. Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous are excellent programs for an addict. The abuser’s partner should also seek help for their codependent behavior at Codependents Anonymous.

If the abusive person is not willing to seek help, then you must take action by protecting yourself and any children involved by leaving. By staying in an abusive relationship, you are condoning it. If you are scared you won’t be able to survive because of finances, pick up the phone book and start calling shelters or other agencies in your area. Try calling family, friends, and associates and ask them if they can help or know of ways to help. Once you leave, the abuser may cry and beg for forgiveness but don’t go back until you have spoken to their counselor and they have completed long-term therapy successfully. Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave because the abuser has lost control. The Bureau of Justice Statistics states that on the average, more than three [specifically] women are murdered by their partners every day.  If you partner is not willing to seek help for their abusive behavior, your only option is to leave.

Statistics—Approximately one-third of women and one-fifth of men will be victims of abuse.

Same-sex partner abuse is common and may be difficult to identify. Over 35% of heterosexual women, 40% of lesbians, 60% of bisexual women experience domestic violence. For men, the incidence is slightly lower. In addition to common findings of abuse, perpetrators may try to control their partners by threatening to make their sexual preferences public.

Originally written By Stephany Alexander 

Edited by Jess for pronoun adjustment, updated facts and statistics, and added details from personal experience.