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Friday, September 28, 2012
How To Really Love a Child
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Insult Added to Injury
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Resolutions Revisited
- Keep up with my writing
- Continue exercising to make my final weight goal
- Get back into art - painting, sketching, photography, etc
- Be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind
"
Simple Minds
- Dear teacher, I talk no matter where I am. Moving my seat will not help. (I was that child. Wait, I am still that child)
- Texting someone to tell them you are outside their house instead of knocking. (Yes, I have done this)
- I want a person who comes into my life by accident, but stays on purpose. (I've been lucky enough to have this.)
- Brunette: "Look, it's a dead bird!" Blonde looks up into the sky: "Where? (I'm a redhead)
- I don't care how many friends we have in common...if I don't know you, I'm not adding you! (unless you are a Zazzler)
- BESTFRIENDS: They know how weird you are and they still choose to be seen with you in public. (I love mine)
- If you need a drug test to get a job, you should need a drug test to get welfare!
- Don't make a girl fall for you if you have no intention of catching her. (I caught mine. Or she caught me...not sure which)
- Just because you can fit in a bikini does not mean you should wear one. (guilty as charged)
- The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have. (hooray, I'm happy)
- If you are talking behind my back, you are in a good position to kiss my ass. (pucker up)
- If you don't treat her right, don't be upset when someone else does. (which is why I do my best to treat her right)
- Sometimes your knight in shining armour is just an idiot in tin foil.
- How come Mario can smash through bricks, but dies when he touches a turtle!!??
- I will carry 20 grocery bags so I don't have to make a second trip. (yes, I do this)
- You are such a good cook, even the smoke alarm is cheering you on! (oh, to be able to say this never happened to me)
- Teenager: "Mom I'm going out." Mom: "With friends?" Teenager: "No, Mom, with Pikachu!"
- Your skinny jeans have no desire to be your stretchy jeans!
- I wish I could Google anything. I'd Google "Where is my iPod" and it would say "Under the couch". (if only)
- Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it. (Zazzle anyone)
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Where for art thou, Sandman?
Monday, September 27, 2010
And This Too Shall Pass
Monday, August 23, 2010
Back to the Drawing Board

I knew it had been a long time since I picked up the tools of one of my all too many hobbies and put sharpened charcoal to paper to make an image existing in my minds eye appear on the page.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Black Sheep and Dark Secrets
For nearly all of my life I have felt as though I were the black sheep of a family with dark secrets.
As a child I was not the pretty little girl wearing frilly dresses and playing with dolls that Mother wished me to be. I instead wore one of my older brothers' jeans with a belt, the pant legs rolled up and the dress Mother made me wear anyway was drastically shoved into the over-sized waist and hidden under a dirty navy blue sweatshirt.
It only made me look healthier than my ultra skinny frame would otherwise have looked had I not had a scratchy lace covered dress on beneath my brother’s clothes. It also made me look bumpy. I don't have a single photograph of myself dressed this way as I was always forbidden to be in any photos until I made myself "presentable". This of course meant taking off my brother’s clothes and having the knots, leaves and twigs evicted from my tangled waist-length hair.
I ran around in the woods building forts out of brush, climbing trees, bruising knees and attacking imaginary creatures with sticks that had been whittled until the end was sharp enough to kill. I took the shovel to a mud puddle one day, making it a good three feet deep and five feet wide before I went to the creek with a five gallon bucket what must have been thirty or forty times filling that puddle up so I could dress down to my skivvies and go for a nice muddy swim. It took hours and was completely worth it! Both of my brothers ended up joining me and for the life of me I can't remember if we got into trouble or if we just washed up in the creek and went back inside for supper as if nothing happened. I do know that they helped me make it bigger and get more water and I seem to recall that wasn't the only time we swam in that puddle.
I had an imaginary older sister when I was about six. She was much older than I or anyone for that matter, but her age seemed to change with each passing day. One day she might be 174 and the next she might be 5,236 years old. She was extremely intelligent because she'd lived so long but she was also only about six inches tall! I don't recall the moment she came and I don't recall how long she stayed but I know it wasn't long as I'm certain that by eight I'd stopped chatting with her. I was, and am still, the only child I've ever known who had such a developed imaginary friend. Maybe that's why I so love the movie Drop Dead Fred. If you haven't seen it, you really must give it a whirl.
I recall when I had the biggest crush ever on the girl who lived up the road a ways. She came to spend the night a few times and one night we explored each other a bit. She wasn't quite as skin and bones as I was but I could feel her hips pushing into mine a little and I remember being surprised at how salty her skin tasted and how it felt like there were a dozen arms and legs under the covers because we kept kneeing and elbowing each other. Sorry’s and oops’ were whispered and hushed giggles ensued. We'd start laughing and have to uncover our heads so we could get cool air again. It has been years since I've been able to recall her name.
By the time I was sixteen, I was living in my fourth city, working my second year at my first job, Mother had been divorced three times, I now had two little sisters, one of whom I had delivered in Mother's bedroom, and both of my brothers had moved out. It had been an interesting childhood thus far and one my brothers were wise to leave as quickly as possible as Mother's moods were as unpredictable as a flash flood and when they came, they left a disastrous trail of bruises and shame.
I became a master at applying cover-up all too thickly to my face and using eye shadow instead of lipstick as it would hide a bruised mouth better than the glossy stuff that came in a tube. My closet was filled with long-legged, high-waisted pants and shirts that covered my upper arms. Luckily, they were in style at the time. Mother's moods seemed to get better in the summer time or she would just simply disappear for days or weeks at a time and leave me to raise my sisters in peace.
One time in late summer a couple days after she'd come back from one of her mysterious trips, I'd been invited with a group of other teenagers to swim at the public pool. I put on my bathing suit and came out to jump into the pool when a strange hush followed me and I noticed that many eyes were on me. I couldn't figure out what was going on and I just jumped in and swam to some friends. Half a minute later, everyone went back to talking and swimming again.
It wasn't until I went back to the locker rooms and saw myself in a full-length mirror that I realized what they had all been staring at. I had stripes of black and blue from my waist to my knees on my back side, all the way around my left thigh and a circle of five thin lines on my upper right arm that were turning a horrible shade of green. I had forgotten about Mother's temper exploding on me a few nights prior.
That is where the shame came from. And I held it all in because I knew Mother's pattern. She only bruised the eldest child. So I kept my mouth shut, stayed and endured it to protect my sisters and to keep us from being split up should we be taken away from her. There were times though, that I spat ugly truths back at her as she was bruising me and I was the only of Mother's five children to ever do that until very recently.
I knew she hated me. Mother hated me for not being the daughter she always wanted, for being such a tomboy, for having too many friends, for not having enough. She hated me because my baby sister called me Mama, because I loved going to school, because I could play the flute beautifully, because I was thin like she used to be. The reasons go on, but it is useless to write them all down at this point. I don’t care why she hated me. I don’t care why I can never once recall her ever saying she loved me. She just never cared enough about any of her own children to love them. Nothing I can do about it and nothing I need or want to do anything about.
I have children of my own and for the longest time, my biggest fear was that I would become like Mother. I struggled for many years to be as unlike Mother as I could possibly be as I always wanted my children to know they are loved. It hasn’t been easy to ‘break the cycle’ as they say. I holler sometimes and I am stern with them. But I can be loving and discipline them at the same time.
Earlier this month, the grandfather I only remember meeting about five or six times as a child passed away. As a result of his passing, Mother’s sister contacted me to invite me to his memorial service which is the day after tomorrow. Mother is not invited as I have recently learned that the family has become aware of many of her personality traits and they are welcoming me back with open arms and loving hearts. So many of my cousins will be there and I’m so looking forward to reconnecting with them!
I sent five or six emails back and forth with my Aunt before I finally told her that I am gay. I have to say that was one of the most difficult emails I have ever written in my entire life as the last thing I wanted right after gaining back communication with my family was to lose it before I ever got to see any of them in person. Her response was absolutely amazing. She wrote that she was not here to pass judgment, only to love me.
Heaven only knows how much I have missed my family these many years! This Black Sheep can’t wait to reconnect with the flock.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Meet the Parents
Thursday, December 3, 2009
An unfinished poem
Friday, June 27, 2008
Just for the heck of it...
Do you ever walk by the same person over and over again but never talk to them? Next time, stop, say hello and ask them what their name is.
Do you think someone is very handsome or pretty? Next time you see them, let them know.
Do you think you hate a certain food but you haven't tried it in years? Give it another shot.
Someone do something nice for you lately? Send them a card...in the mail.
Have a nice day!