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Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts

Friday, September 28, 2012

How To Really Love a Child


How To Really Love a Child 

(with edits by me)



Be there

Say yes as often as possible. 

Let them bang on pots and pans.
If they’re crabby, put them in water. 
Let them play in the rain.
If they’re unlovable, love yourself. 
Realize how important it is to be a child. 

Go to a movie theatre in your pajamas
Read books out loud with joy. 
Invent pleasures together.
Remember how small they are. 
Giggle a lot.
Surprise them. 
Have a slumber party in the living room.
Say no when necessary
Teach that feelings are okay.
Express your own feelings.
Heal your own inner child. 
Learn about parenting
Hug trees together. 
Make loving safe.
Bake a cake and eat it with your hands. 
Search for faeries. Catch one.
Build a rocket ship out of a cardboard box.
Imagine yourself magic. 
Make lots of forts with blankets. 
Let your angel fly
Reveal your own dreams. 
Search out the positive
Keep the gleam in your eye. 
Mail handwritten letters to friends and family.
Encourage silly
Plant licorice in your garden.
Open up.
Stop yelling.
Express your love. A lot.
Speak kindly.
Paint their tennis shoes.
Handle with caring.
Hug often.
Play on the playground equipment with them.
Climb trees. Pretend you are monkeys.
Support their dreams.
Say "I love you". Every day.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Insult Added to Injury

Nine days ago I was tackled by my toddler and the result was an injury to my foot. I had been running from my front door to back door in bare feet while my daughter finished up her dinner and my son practiced his piano piece. I figured I had at least ten minutes to get a short run in before my daughter needed to get in the bath. I'm training for an event called the Warrior Dash which takes place in July. I'm super excited about it and have actually been working pretty hard on training for it. Until now.

Well, my daughter finished her dinner and ran over to me to run with me and instead she ran into me knocking me off balance and into my vacuum cleaner which was in its usual spot up against the wall. I felt an instant stab of pain, said "Ouch!", and kept on running. For about ninety seconds. At that point, I realized something was very wrong as my foot sent signals to my brain that told me I had just stepped into a bed of hot coals. Hot coals do not exist in my living room so I hopped over to my couch and asked my son to get me some ice. I iced my foot for a good fifteen or twenty minutes and then thought it was feeling better so I stood up to get my daughters bath started. That was my second bad decision of the evening. Or third if you think running in my house was a bad idea to begin with.

I yelped like a puppy who's tail had been squashed by a rocking chair leg and sat my sorry ass back down on the couch. My daughter who had been sitting next to me kept apologizing for hurting me. Luckily I hung onto the crutches my oldest daughter used a few years ago when she had an injury so my son retrieved them from the closet for me. After a bit of adjusting, I was up and running again. Okay, fine, I was up and hobbling, but at least I was up. I hobbled into the kitchen and got myself some ibuprofen while trying to convince myself it was just a sprain.

After getting the kids to bed, I soaked my increasingly painful foot in an epsom salt bath to try to reduce the swelling and when I tried to wiggle my toes I was immediately convinced it was not a sprain but in fact a break as that whole pain Richter scale thing they ask you about when you go to the hospital shot up to an immediate ten. You know, zero equals no pain and ten is the worst you've ever experienced. Yeah, ten is bad. And I've had four kids without pain medication. A ten is really bad.
Oh for fuck's sake do I really have to have a broken bone right now!?
Well, since I'm unemployed and uninsured, I got some medical tape and doctored myself up while wincing, swearing and taking hissing breaths through clenched teeth, popped some more ibuprofen and went to bed with my foot up on a couple of pillows.

Six days go by, I am still in excruciating pain, I'm convinced it is broken and decide it is finally time to take myself to the doctor because ibuprofen is just not strong enough to cut what I'm going through at this point and I think the constant pain is actually getting worse as it just never stops hurting. Even when it is held totally still.
I make an appointment reluctantly because, as previously noted, I have no insurance. The doctor tells me she's convinced it is broken but she wants to send me for x-rays just to be sure. I ask her just how expensive x-rays are and she hands me this lovely form they have for people who are both broke (financially) and uninsured.
Great! Now I'm a charity case!

Good thing about going to see the doctor is that she gave me a prescription for some pain medication. I don't usually take anything stronger than ibuprofen and I am more stubborn than an ox - which happens to be my Chinese Zodiac sign if you are into that sort of thing. Anyway, I just couldn't take it anymore and had to have something and when I get to that point, you know it fucking hurts.

I drive (with both kids in tow) down to get x-rays only to find out they closed three damned minutes before I got there. Nice!
So, I have to wait until they open the next day to get the x-rays. Luckily, that will mean that I won't have the kids with me. That actually makes things easier. Except for the fact that I've got my first job interview since I was laid off over seven months ago scheduled for the same day. So, I decide to get in as soon as I possibly can and I'll cross my fingers that I don't end up in the waiting room all damned day.

I get down to radiology and they are actually pretty quick at getting me in. They keep telling me to hold my foot still and to press it down on an old fashioned x-ray board. I am one hundred and fifty percent unable to 'press' my foot down on anything so I do my best to place it gently on the board but I can tell I'm shaking a little because it fucking hurts! They take three slides...I'm sure I'm shaking in all three and have produced blurry x-rays. What a great help that will be. And an absolutely unnecessary expense.

Later that day they call to say the x-ray technician said it does not look like it is broken. I think I need a second opinion. Mine. And my opinion is that I agree with the first doctor's assessment. It is broken. Right behind my pinky toe..or possibly in the joint where the toe meets the metatarcal bone. Either way, it's broken.
And...after some research, I've just learned that an x-ray will commonly not show a fracture in this particular type of injury until two to three weeks after the bone has begun to heal. Well that explains a fuck of a lot and I wish I'd known that prior to going in for x-rays.

~UPDATE~
I went back to the doc after a couple more weeks and they took another look at the x-ray. They told me it is indeed broken. I knew it!
~End update~

The interview went smashingly (and was ironically for someone in the Department of Radiology at UW) and I really do hope I get the job. But more on that in another post...after they call to tell me I am hired.

Yesterday, we had tickets to go to an RV show we'd been really looking forward to so Steph went and found me a brand spanking new boot that fits me perfectly so that I could wear that to the show. Goodwill rocks! I still took my crutches of course because I can not bear weight on my foot. Nor should I be according to my soon-to-be new boss. (Using The Secret to get the job).

~UPDATE~
I didn't get the job. *sad face*
~End update~

We went to the show and I popped one more pill than my prescription says I should. Instead of the pain hitting a continual seven on that pain Richter scale it was down around a four. I was stupid and kept putting weight on the boot I was wearing. Basically, the combination of extra pain medication and the safe feeling of wearing the boot gave me false confidence and poor judgement.

I wake up today and realize it is still hurting, but seems to be at only a five or so. So, I decide to not take the heavy duty pain meds and just see how things go. Things do not go well. My pain level goes up to about a seven again and I become the uber bitch from hell and Steph and I get into an argument that we might not have got into if I had told her I was not on any pain medication.

I pop a naproxen and stubbornly forego the strong stuff still. I go into the bedroom to make the bed and while making the bed I lean down to pick the comforter up off the floor and as I'm standing back up, I whack my foot hard on something still not totally defined. I think it was the window sill, but it hurt so bad, I'm not entirely sure what it was. I go through the fucking roof gritting my teeth but still pissed about the argument so I do it all as silently as I can because I am seriously bitchy when I hurt and the last thing I want at this point is for Steph to walk into the room.

I stand there squeezing the comforter, slowly compose myself, finish making the bed and come out of the room to sit on the couch and take some of the strong stuff. I actually start crying when I take the boot off my foot but I wipe away the tears of pain before Steph can see and I just sit here trying to bear it.

She still has no idea that I'm hurting so much, I'm majorly pissed off at myself because I think I've just re-broken anything that had healed in my foot and my pain level is sky high. She says she's going to go get something to eat and I'm doing my best to stay composed so I can fall apart as soon as she walks out the door. She can see through my attempt at composure and convinces me to take another half dose of the strong stuff. I take it, she walks out the door and I begin to lose it.

I guess she must have forgotten something because a minute later she comes back. Fuck! She wasn't supposed to see me like this. I'm crying, shaking, and pale as a powdered whore. She thinks we need to go straight to the emergency room. My stoicism has failed. I tell her I just need to wait for the pain medication to kick in and then I'll be alright. I finally convince her to go ahead and run her errands.

She had suggested putting my foot in some hot water in the tub. I try that while she's gone and it starts to bring the pain level back down a little bit. The medication starts to kick in and I have to eat some major humble pie as I send her a message apologizing to her and letting her know (finally) that I had not taken my pain meds this morning. Bitch mode begins to subside, I eat a little bit, have a cup of tea and do some relaxing breathing.

Pain meds really kick in and I empty the dishwasher right before Steph gets back with a taco salad for me. She is so incredibly amazing. I yell at her, don't explain things to her and am a total bitch to her and she brings me a taco salad. Every single day I am reminded in some way just how lucky I am to have caught her. She's quite the catch.

I finish my humble pie and promise I'll let her take me back to the doctor tomorrow to get a cast. I obviously need one. And I'll have to quit the stoic front and just take my medicine like a good girl.

Amaranthine adventures abound!

Jessica In Seattle

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Resolutions Revisited

And now here we are again a year after I wrote of my resolutions for 2010. What were those resolutions? Well, I won't make you search through my blog all the way back to January of 2010. I will make it easy on you instead and just post them here for you to read.
  1. Keep up with my writing
  2. Continue exercising to make my final weight goal
  3. Get back into art - painting, sketching, photography, etc
  4. Be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind
Let's visit them in a linear fashion by addressing number one first, shall we!

I haven't kept up with my writing to the degree I hoped I would, but I did do a little more writing than I did in 2009. First of all, I began journaling again - a private journal that is. Something I did none of in '09. I did not, however post more to my blog in '10 (29 posts) than I did in '09 (30 posts). Maybe this year I will beat that out of the water. We shall see at the end of the year if I've been able to increase my blog writing. I have indeed increased my writing on facebook since this year I opened a facebook page for my Zazzle store.

As for resolution number two, I did exercise in twenty-ten. I did not keep up with it as much as I should have, but I did start running; only to stop two months after starting. Sigh. So, I have started back up with walking again for this year. I did not make it to my weight goal. I still have about fifteen pounds to go but hey, last year at this time, I had twenty pounds to go. Yea me! I lost a whole five pounds in twelve months! Now I'm rolling my eyes at myself. I do have an exercise t-shirt that I wear while exercising that I got from my Zazzle store. I bought the orange one. I think I'd like to get a ringer one next time. This year, I will certainly be doing more exercise. I have signed up to do an event called the Warrior Dash. Now I have to exercise so I don't look like a total fool while I'm competing!

Resolution number three was to do more art. This one I can definitely say I have accomplished. Not only have I begun drawing a lot more, but I've started learning how to use PhotoShop and a couple of other graphic programs as well. And I have been playing my flute, learning to read music again, helping my ten year old son learn to play the piano and even learning some piano myself. You can teach an old dog new tricks! I have been taking more photographs, and even started painting. I will keep pushing to do more art, but now I don't quite feel the same pressure.

My fourth resolution was "Be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind". I did have a bit of a bump this year in my peace of mind but I reached out to my friends, family and community and feel that I have been able to ultimately accomplish this resolution. The love of my life has been such a support to me. Without her by my side, it would have been harder for me to keep my peace of mind.

Something else that contributed to my peace of mind was falling head over heels in love with Steph, buying a camping trailer with her, heading off to the Caribbean where I asked her to marry me and hearing her say "Yes." We have now been together for fifteen months and I have to say it has been the happiest fifteen months of my entire life. I can't wait until the day we get to stand in front of our friends and family on our wedding day.

One thing I did not add to my resolution list was to travel more. I accomplished this one without resolving to do so. I just knew I would. Steph and I had already planned a week long trip through California and Nevada by the time I had written my resolution list last year. By the time we got back, we were planning our next trip which was a week long cruise in the Caribbean in the end of October and beginning of November. Before we went on our cruise, we took a weekend trip to Eastern Washington for a concert where we began talking about buying a trailer together. The next month, we had the trailer and went on a couple of camping trips with it. The month after that, we went on a white water rafting trip and then it was time for our cruise. All of these trips were fabulous and we are now talking about another trip soon. This one will just be a little three day extended weekend but we are both very excited about it as it will encompass our favorite ride the Hollywood Tower of Terror and we still sometimes yell out "Tower, tower, tower!!!" just to remind each other that we can't wait to go back. And I'll have to get this Tower of Terror shirt just to wear on the ride!

See you next year - and we'll see if I've finally got to my goal weight. I better, I'm getting married!

Jessica In Seattle






"

Simple Minds

I think of myself as an intelligent person but there are certainly times when I know I have a simple mind.
For instance, while reading all the little things my friends have "liked" on facebook and laughing so hard tears come to my eyes.
I also like reading things that just make perfect sense....and sometime I laugh at those and sometimes I shake my head because they are so incredibly obvious. I still like them because logical things make me feel complete! That, and I can relate to many of them!

Here is a list of some of my personal favorites:

  1. Dear teacher, I talk no matter where I am. Moving my seat will not help. (I was that child. Wait, I am still that child)
  2. Texting someone to tell them you are outside their house instead of knocking. (Yes, I have done this)
  3. I want a person who comes into my life by accident, but stays on purpose. (I've been lucky enough to have this.)
  4. Brunette: "Look, it's a dead bird!" Blonde looks up into the sky: "Where? (I'm a redhead)
  5. I don't care how many friends we have in common...if I don't know you, I'm not adding you! (unless you are a Zazzler)
  6. BESTFRIENDS: They know how weird you are and they still choose to be seen with you in public. (I love mine)
  7. If you need a drug test to get a job, you should need a drug test to get welfare!
  8. Don't make a girl fall for you if you have no intention of catching her. (I caught mine. Or she caught me...not sure which)
  9. Just because you can fit in a bikini does not mean you should wear one. (guilty as charged)
  10. The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have. (hooray, I'm happy)
  11. If you are talking behind my back, you are in a good position to kiss my ass. (pucker up)
  12. If you don't treat her right, don't be upset when someone else does. (which is why I do my best to treat her right)
  13. Sometimes your knight in shining armour is just an idiot in tin foil.
  14. How come Mario can smash through bricks, but dies when he touches a turtle!!??
  15. I will carry 20 grocery bags so I don't have to make a second trip. (yes, I do this)
  16. You are such a good cook, even the smoke alarm is cheering you on! (oh, to be able to say this never happened to me)
  17. Teenager: "Mom I'm going out." Mom: "With friends?" Teenager: "No, Mom, with Pikachu!"
  18. Your skinny jeans have no desire to be your stretchy jeans!
  19. I wish I could Google anything. I'd Google "Where is my iPod" and it would say "Under the couch". (if only)
  20. Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it. (Zazzle anyone)
Some of them made you laugh, didn't they! I know; they made me laugh too, and for various reasons...again, some because I could relate to them and some because they were just funny to imagine. Now if only I had a whole selection of funny quotes on in my Zazzle store. Well, since I don't, you are welcome to peruse the funny quotes that do exist on Zazzle HERE!

Happy browsing and don't forget to laugh!



Thursday, October 14, 2010

Where for art thou, Sandman?

I have now been up for almost a full 36 hours. I was able to sneak in a 50 minute nap at one point. The bags under my eyes are deep and grey and when I look in the mirror, I see a sunken gauntness closely resembling Death warmed over. It does happen to be October, so I might be able to get away with this look for a few more weeks, but I'd really rather not.

I need my Sandman (can I request a Sandwoman?). Ah, yes, the ramblings of delirium. I shall leave this up even after I've had enough sleep and I read it over again realizing I was tapping out drivel on the edge of the cliff of dream deprivation.

I'm so tired I can't tell if that last sentence sounds poetic or pathetic. I'm going to bet on pathetic because I seriously doubt that I can be poetic with so little mind left. And I have come to the resounding conclusion that dreaming is a bodily necessity. Okay, not exactly. I might look like Death, but I'm nowhere near it. I'm well fed, watered and can still stand up straight, albeit with a slight lilt that portends a wont of drunkenness.

Portends? Wont? Where do I get these words of old? Of that, I am not certain. What I am certain of, however is that my soul is elder to by body. My soul feels as though it hath lived a thousand years and the desire to follow the path of love, hope and prosperity is strong in her. Which is why, I believe, I have followed my true self finally and fallen in love with the one who has stolen my heart from me. She walks on the path of hope and I walk beside her on the path of prosperity. Together we create the path of love.

Damn, I do ramble. I shall get a laugh out of this in a day or three. And now I've gone all mushy on top of it!

Time to go bathe Elektra and then read to the kids (The Hobbit is a little over half way done now). Then, in half an hour, I will shower, dry, and take some melatonin.

I have gotten to a point of sleep deprivation now, where if I don't take a sleep aid, I will lie awake for hours again.

Here I am Sandwoman, blow your sleep dust in my eyes and take me to dreamworld!


Monday, September 27, 2010

And This Too Shall Pass

Once again I am called upon to hone my skills of patience and determination. Last week as I went to pick my children up and take them to school, I was blindsided by becoming an involuntary participant in a dance I had partaken in all too many times in my life already.
Yes, the word 'dance' is used metaphorically and intentionally leaves you wondering to what it is I am referring.
I shall leave that for you, dear reader, to ponder and allow you to come to your own conclusion.
I thought for a few seconds that it was to be a short dance, but after further consideration, I decided to allow the dance to flow with the music for which it was written.
No, I was not the original composer of this particular piece; that would have been the person who pulled me to the dance floor.
I, however, took the lead after the first few steps and have begun to write in my own notations in the margin with an indelible ink thereby forever altering the piece.
I did not want to participate in this dance and would have preferred it never to have occurred. Unfortunately, I did not have a say in the matter.
I do, though, have a say in how I conduct myself on the dance floor. I choose to do so elegantly and with grace even though a part of me wants to lash out.
In this particular dance, there are more than just two on the floor and if I were to act without prior judgement of such action, it may cause undue harm to the other dancers.
Every composition comes to an end. Stepping to this piece has altered the path of my life but it too shall pass.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Back to the Drawing Board


I knew it had been a long time since I picked up the tools of one of my all too many hobbies and put sharpened charcoal to paper to make an image existing in my minds eye appear on the page.

What I failed to realize, until calculating it all out, was that it has actually been four months! How has my pour soul survived for four months being trapped inside me with nary a day to be unleashed in the form of a sketch?

So what made today that day that I should pick up my pencils again? I happened upon a September 2010 issue of Vogue Magazine being given away to the first hand that should grab it in the lobby of my building. Something in me possessed me to grasp it tightly to my bosom and carry it swiftly to my kitchen counter where I proceeded to turn every page one-by-one pausing every few to rip from it's innards any photograph that caught my eye.

Page after page began piling up on my kitchen counter top and by the time I got to the last I'd torn twenty-four pages from within to use as ideas and model poses for sketches. I set myself up on my couch with my special pencils, my charcoal, my kneading eraser and my smudgers that I keep in an old cigar box. I propped up a page with a photograph of a young woman standing nude and pictured from the hip up. I drew a nude woman from the mid thigh up as you can see.

It didn't turn out well but it isn't my worst work and it's still a work in progress so I can still tinker with it but overall, after taking a four month hiatus, I'm feeling rather satisfied to be back at my drawing board again.

And I've noticed I'm also back to blogging as well.

I'll tell you all later what has suddenly produced such copious amounts of free time in my world. I'm using it well I do believe!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Black Sheep and Dark Secrets

For nearly all of my life I have felt as though I were the black sheep of a family with dark secrets.

As a child I was not the pretty little girl wearing frilly dresses and playing with dolls that Mother wished me to be. I instead wore one of my older brothers' jeans with a belt, the pant legs rolled up and the dress Mother made me wear anyway was drastically shoved into the over-sized waist and hidden under a dirty navy blue sweatshirt.

It only made me look healthier than my ultra skinny frame would otherwise have looked had I not had a scratchy lace covered dress on beneath my brother’s clothes. It also made me look bumpy. I don't have a single photograph of myself dressed this way as I was always forbidden to be in any photos until I made myself "presentable". This of course meant taking off my brother’s clothes and having the knots, leaves and twigs evicted from my tangled waist-length hair.

I ran around in the woods building forts out of brush, climbing trees, bruising knees and attacking imaginary creatures with sticks that had been whittled until the end was sharp enough to kill. I took the shovel to a mud puddle one day, making it a good three feet deep and five feet wide before I went to the creek with a five gallon bucket what must have been thirty or forty times filling that puddle up so I could dress down to my skivvies and go for a nice muddy swim. It took hours and was completely worth it! Both of my brothers ended up joining me and for the life of me I can't remember if we got into trouble or if we just washed up in the creek and went back inside for supper as if nothing happened. I do know that they helped me make it bigger and get more water and I seem to recall that wasn't the only time we swam in that puddle.

I had an imaginary older sister when I was about six. She was much older than I or anyone for that matter, but her age seemed to change with each passing day. One day she might be 174 and the next she might be 5,236 years old. She was extremely intelligent because she'd lived so long but she was also only about six inches tall! I don't recall the moment she came and I don't recall how long she stayed but I know it wasn't long as I'm certain that by eight I'd stopped chatting with her. I was, and am still, the only child I've ever known who had such a developed imaginary friend. Maybe that's why I so love the movie Drop Dead Fred. If you haven't seen it, you really must give it a whirl.

I recall when I had the biggest crush ever on the girl who lived up the road a ways. She came to spend the night a few times and one night we explored each other a bit. She wasn't quite as skin and bones as I was but I could feel her hips pushing into mine a little and I remember being surprised at how salty her skin tasted and how it felt like there were a dozen arms and legs under the covers because we kept kneeing and elbowing each other. Sorry’s and oops’ were whispered and hushed giggles ensued. We'd start laughing and have to uncover our heads so we could get cool air again. It has been years since I've been able to recall her name.

By the time I was sixteen, I was living in my fourth city, working my second year at my first job, Mother had been divorced three times, I now had two little sisters, one of whom I had delivered in Mother's bedroom, and both of my brothers had moved out. It had been an interesting childhood thus far and one my brothers were wise to leave as quickly as possible as Mother's moods were as unpredictable as a flash flood and when they came, they left a disastrous trail of bruises and shame.

I became a master at applying cover-up all too thickly to my face and using eye shadow instead of lipstick as it would hide a bruised mouth better than the glossy stuff that came in a tube. My closet was filled with long-legged, high-waisted pants and shirts that covered my upper arms. Luckily, they were in style at the time. Mother's moods seemed to get better in the summer time or she would just simply disappear for days or weeks at a time and leave me to raise my sisters in peace.

One time in late summer a couple days after she'd come back from one of her mysterious trips, I'd been invited with a group of other teenagers to swim at the public pool. I put on my bathing suit and came out to jump into the pool when a strange hush followed me and I noticed that many eyes were on me. I couldn't figure out what was going on and I just jumped in and swam to some friends. Half a minute later, everyone went back to talking and swimming again.

It wasn't until I went back to the locker rooms and saw myself in a full-length mirror that I realized what they had all been staring at. I had stripes of black and blue from my waist to my knees on my back side, all the way around my left thigh and a circle of five thin lines on my upper right arm that were turning a horrible shade of green. I had forgotten about Mother's temper exploding on me a few nights prior.

That is where the shame came from. And I held it all in because I knew Mother's pattern. She only bruised the eldest child. So I kept my mouth shut, stayed and endured it to protect my sisters and to keep us from being split up should we be taken away from her. There were times though, that I spat ugly truths back at her as she was bruising me and I was the only of Mother's five children to ever do that until very recently.

I knew she hated me. Mother hated me for not being the daughter she always wanted, for being such a tomboy, for having too many friends, for not having enough. She hated me because my baby sister called me Mama, because I loved going to school, because I could play the flute beautifully, because I was thin like she used to be. The reasons go on, but it is useless to write them all down at this point. I don’t care why she hated me. I don’t care why I can never once recall her ever saying she loved me. She just never cared enough about any of her own children to love them. Nothing I can do about it and nothing I need or want to do anything about.

I did finally leave her house when I was eighteen. A few years later, my little sister came to live with me and a few years after that, I got my baby sister into a foster home. Right after getting my baby sister into foster care was the last time I spoke to Mother. We have a very large family and there are two reunions each summer to accommodate us all as there are just too many for one reunion. I haven’t been to any of the reunions since I stopped talking to Mother and it has ostracized me from my entire family save for my baby sister and very recently my eldest brother.

I have children of my own and for the longest time, my biggest fear was that I would become like Mother. I struggled for many years to be as unlike Mother as I could possibly be as I always wanted my children to know they are loved. It hasn’t been easy to ‘break the cycle’ as they say. I holler sometimes and I am stern with them. But I can be loving and discipline them at the same time.

Earlier this month, the grandfather I only remember meeting about five or six times as a child passed away. As a result of his passing, Mother’s sister contacted me to invite me to his memorial service which is the day after tomorrow. Mother is not invited as I have recently learned that the family has become aware of many of her personality traits and they are welcoming me back with open arms and loving hearts. So many of my cousins will be there and I’m so looking forward to reconnecting with them!

I sent five or six emails back and forth with my Aunt before I finally told her that I am gay. I have to say that was one of the most difficult emails I have ever written in my entire life as the last thing I wanted right after gaining back communication with my family was to lose it before I ever got to see any of them in person. Her response was absolutely amazing. She wrote that she was not here to pass judgment, only to love me.

Heaven only knows how much I have missed my family these many years! This Black Sheep can’t wait to reconnect with the flock.


Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Meet the Parents

A friend of mine said something today about how when she meets the right person they will have to be approved by her sister, children and mom. I thought I'd write the story of how my girlfriend and I met each other's families.

First of all, we started dating in October...almost ten months ago. She met my three youngest children and my sister all at once the following February, after we had been dating about four months. She still hasn't met my oldest yet, but he's a state away, so that will come with time.

When I met her family, it was at Thanksgiving, only a month after we began dating. I met everyone from her grandmother to aunts, uncles and cousins. It was incredibly nerve wracking and I didn't even know if it was okay to put my arm around her while we were there at first. Her family turned out to be very warm though and I was welcomed into the kitchen to help out with the dinner where I felt quite at ease. Then again at Christmas I met more family including her mother, sister and nieces and I again got to help out in the kitchen, but not as much as I did at Thanksgiving as there was more family there this time. Easter came around and I met more of the same and some new family and I even got to take apart the door knob to the kitchen pantry since it began to get stuck.

I just finally met her father and step mom this past weekend...they live a few states away and finally came for a visit.

Any time someone joins in the life of another, they have to meet the respective families. They have to be approved, in a way, by the respective families.

We have been together almost 10 months and I still get nervous every time I meet someone new in Steph's family or even friends I haven't met yet. I even get nervous a little bit when I'm meeting someone for the second or third time.

And she's still nervous every time we do something together with one or more of my kids. That is taking more time because I didn't introduce her to my kids until months into our relationship and it has still only been a little at a time.

We have just started talking about having her sleep over once in a while so that my kids can get used to seeing her around more. i guess that's the next level for us.

We are taking things slowly but I think if I didn't have kids, we would have moved faster. I've never moved so slow in a relationship before. It feels really good to take it at this pace. Sometimes I push to take things faster and sometimes I get scared and want it to go slower. But when I take the time to stop and think it over, I think it's perfect as it is right now.


Thursday, December 3, 2009

An unfinished poem

I just found this poem that I started a few months ago and never completed. I thought I'd post it here and see if having it on my blog would provide some inspiring words to jump to mind so it can be fulfilled.
-----
Embrace

Your hand on mine,
untouched by time,
we travel down our secret street.

I comprehend,
cannot pretend,
you are my own retreat.

Caress your face,
where time and space,
and touch become white heat.

I hear you moan,
and I postpone,
before the final sweet.
-----

Ah, and now the edge this did require had finally be found. I'll add more to it later if I find it longs for additional attention.



Friday, June 27, 2008

Just for the heck of it...

Just for the heck of it...

Do you ever walk by the same person over and over again but never talk to them? Next time, stop, say hello and ask them what their name is.

Do you think someone is very handsome or pretty? Next time you see them, let them know.

Do you think you hate a certain food but you haven't tried it in years? Give it another shot.

Someone do something nice for you lately? Send them a card...in the mail.

Have a nice day!